Here is a small test. After the last quarrel in your house, who said sorry first?
If you cannot remember, that is probably because nobody did. Both of you waited. Both of you were sure the other one should go first. And the silence in the house grew heavier each day.
I have seen this in many families. So in the chapter on how to hit it off, I put one rule that I feel strongly about. Even when both of you are equally at fault, admit your mistake and apologise. Do not insist that the other person apologises first.
The couple who shared the blame
Nilima worked in a stock broking firm. Her husband Gaurav asked her to look after the investment of their savings. She said she had no aptitude for it and told him to invest the money as he thought best. He chose to put most of it with a financier. The financier went bankrupt and the couple lost everything.
Gaurav became so depressed that even his work suffered. He blamed himself completely. Then Nilima spoke. "Why do you want to take all the blame yourself? Am I not equally responsible? You asked me to share the task and I refused. When you asked if this person was safe, I did not help you check. I cannot escape just because I kept quiet. The guilt is shared."
Slowly, Gaurav's mind began to heal. One honest sentence from his wife did more than any advice could have done.
The couple who waited
Suhair and Nina bought a house in the suburbs after much thought. It was cheaper, so they could have a bigger house, and they both loved the trees and the pond nearby. Then things changed. The bus timing changed. Nina took a new job with a longer commute. Domestic help was not available. The housework, which they shared, doubled.
Both were irritated. Both had been part of the decision. But neither would admit their share. Each said the other had first suggested it or pushed harder for it. The quarrels did not solve the problem. They only weakened the bond. Had either of them said, "I also agreed, I am sorry," the other would have followed. Without resentment, they could have sat down and discussed solutions.
When sorry comes in a different form
Now a gentle warning. Sometimes you say sorry, and your partner does not say it back. Do not take offence. Some people find a formal apology very hard. They try to make up in their own way. It may be a small gift. It may be helping with the housework, or finally keeping a promise that was delayed. It may be a gesture of closeness.
So keep your eyes and ears open for these signals. If you only accept the exact words, you may keep the fight alive long after your partner has already made peace.
Do not plan to get even
There is another trap. Suma was embarrassed when her husband raised his voice at her in front of everyone at a party. She told her friend Vinita she would humiliate him in front of even more guests at the Diwali party the next month. Vinita was frightened by the anger in her eyes. She phoned Suma almost every day. "Don't do something in the spirit of vengeance," she kept saying. By gentle persistence, she brought Suma around before the party.
The book says plainly that getting even is no way to deal with a partner's faults. If something in your spouse is unacceptable, tell them gently, with practical examples. Bluntly mocking, or forcing the other to suppress it, only makes the problem fester and come out in other forms.
What to do this week
- Think of one old quarrel where you were waiting for the other person. Go first and say, "I also played a part in this. I am sorry."
- If tempers are high, wait until both of you are calm. The book says this too.
- When your partner tries to make up in a different way, accept it with a thank you.
It also helps to remember that learning to say sorry, when it is your fault and even when it is not entirely your fault, costs very little. It is music to the other person's ears.
This is one chapter from my book Man Woman Magic.
