No one gets married planning to separate. I hope you never need this chapter of my book. But I have counselled enough couples to know that sometimes remedies do not work, and a husband and wife decide to part.
When that happens, one thing matters more than anything else. How you part decides how much pain your children carry for the rest of their lives.
First, listen
Some people come to me for counselling. The wife says, "My husband never speaks." The husband says, "My wife keeps on speaking." Both are sure they have been heard by no one.
The book says a separating couple must give each other the chance to explain their side fully. Sometimes that conversation alone stops the process of divorce. Even when the decision is final, listening reduces the bitterness afterwards. It also helps both of you avoid repeating the same mistake in the next relationship.
Settle things without a fight
If separation is unavoidable, try to do it in the least messy way. Courts are slow and expensive. Lawyers and stamp papers cost money, and every extra month stretches the strain for both of you. A divorce with mutual consent usually costs the least in time and money.
Before going to a lawyer, discuss the practical matters between yourselves. Loans on the house or vehicle. Joint accounts and separate accounts. Who can continue to pay and who should keep what. The book advises that you look at the spirit of every arrangement and not just its legal form.
Do not carry the fight forward
A hostile partner sometimes tries to do as much damage as possible. The book mentions washing dirty linen in public, even though the public quarrel harms both sides. The advice is simple. Once you reach the crossroads where you must take different roads, wish each other well. Just because a person could not get along with you does not mean he or she cannot get along with someone else. Start afresh on a good note, and let the other person do the same.
The children come first
Here is the part I feel most strongly about. The worst victims of a divorce are the children. The parting may be unavoidable for the couple, but it need not be for the child. Children love both parents. It is painful for them to watch a tug of war where the rope finally breaks in the middle.
- Reassure them. Some small children think it is their mischief that caused the rift. Tell them clearly that it was not their fault and that neither parent will abandon them.
- Do not fight in front of them. However much you are provoked, hold back. Take the argument to the lawyer's office, or send the children to an understanding relative for a few days.
- Speak kindly of the other parent. Do not talk about the absent parent in the past tense. Tell the child that he or she loves them just as before. Talk about the good things of the marriage and leave out the unpleasant ones.
- Plan visits well. Fix the timings in advance. Help the child to look forward to meeting the other parent as something exciting.
- Never use the child as a weapon. Do not question the child about the other parent's new life. The only thing a child should ever be used for is reconciliation.
A small story about a stepfather
The book tells of a film star who married three times. Her little daughter had managed well with the second husband. But with the third marriage, the mother did not know how to introduce the new husband and called him "third daddy." One day the girl told a friend, "My first daddy used to direct movies, my second daddy used to produce them, and now my third daddy acts in them."
The new husband overheard this. He called her and said, gently, "Never call your father 'first daddy.' He is your only daddy. We all love you and care for you. But he will always remain your father."
The girl learned to respect and understand her real father, and her regard for her stepfather grew too. That is what a mature adult does. He makes the child's heart bigger, not smaller.
Children can also be a strength
One more thing. The book also says that children are a source of strength during a crisis. When they are around, you do not feel alone in the world. They love you, they give you a goal, and they egg you on to succeed. In a way, they protect you also.
So if you are going through a hard time, hold on to your children, and be the adult they need.
This is one chapter from my book Man Woman Magic. I wrote it hoping that fewer families would need it.
