Hema was dusting the photo album one afternoon, and she decided to open it. Tears came to her eyes. Here was the couple on a holiday in Ooty. Here they were on their wedding day, smiling at each other. Where did those smiles go?
Her marriage had not turned sour. Her husband was in many ways a model husband. They had a handsome home and two bright children. But they seldom spent time together, and they never seemed to laugh. Whole evenings passed in silence. Hema summed it up in three words. Dull, dull, dull.
I call this "dry rot". On the outside, the house looks fine. Inside, the framework is slowly crumbling. And the thing that has slipped away is fun. It does not disappear by decision. It disappears by default.
Fun is not a luxury
In the chapter on how to keep love alive, I quote a Boston psychiatrist, William Betcher, who wrote that a spirit of fun is crucial to a fulfilling relationship. His idea is beautiful. When a couple has fun together, they are really saying, "I trust you to love me even when I am being silly."
The good news is that it does not need much time. It needs commitment. Here are the ideas from the chapter that I like best.
Give yourselves permission
Many couples treat marriage like a serious office job. Budget, school meetings, bills, duties. They have been told so often to "work at marriage" that they never switch off.
I once counselled a couple who had not taken a holiday by themselves in ten years. They felt guilty about having a good time with so many important things to do. They put the children first, without thinking that the children would suffer most if the central core of the marriage did not survive. So the first step is to say to each other, "We are allowed to enjoy this."
Plan to be spontaneous
That sounds like a contradiction, I know. But you cannot be spontaneous if you never make the time. The book tells of a busy lawyer who set aside one evening a week to "date" his wife. He would arrange for someone to look after the children, and never tell her where they were going. Once it was an amusement park. Once a rock concert. Once a candlelit dinner served at home. As the book says, the point was not where they went. It was the message that this time was reserved just for her.
It works the other way round too, of course. Any husband or wife can be the one who plans.
Be playful, surprise each other, laugh
Remember the pet names you used in the early days? Remember giggling for no reason? Often playfulness is the first casualty of marriage. After the wedding, people tell themselves to grow up. But a hug, a pat on the shoulder, a teasing tickle can say "I love being with you" better than any speech.
A surprise need not be expensive. The surprise one woman remembers best is the spring morning her husband woke up early, plucked the first rose of the year from their garden and put it by her bedside.
Laughter works wonders. One man made an effort to remember jokes from the office to tell his wife at night. One woman stuck cartoons on the refrigerator. The book mentions a study reported in Psychology Today, which suggests that couples who laugh at the same jokes are more likely to stay together. A shared joke says, "I know you well enough to understand what makes you laugh."
Time together, and time apart
Both are needed. In a world where both partners work, plan some "us time". Try to match your schedules for a weekend, or fix one or two evenings a week for just the two of you.
But do not overdo it. The book tells of Wilson and Mary, who jogged together, shopped together, watched TV together, cooked together, and finally landed in a marriage counsellor's office together, on the verge of splitting. The counsellor sent them away to develop their own interests. Six months later they returned, one from his sports club and the other from her speakers' forum. They came with glowing faces, to thank him, and left together.
Another couple, Sanjay and Gayatri, put it simply. He loves trekking and she does not. While he is out on a trek, she visits art galleries. They say they are happier for it.
A number to remember
The book quotes research that happy couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. No one can avoid negativity completely. But you can limit it. A smile, a kind word, a small joke. Count them for one day and see how you are doing.
A marriage thrives on the sunlight of familiarity and routine. But it needs to be watered regularly with novelty and fun.
This is one chapter from my book Man Woman Magic.
