Very little is needed to make your spouse feel valued. That is what I have learned from talking to couples at my seminars. Not a diamond ring. Not a designer watch. Often it is a smile, a kind word or a small act that says, "I noticed you."
My book has one chapter on how a wife can understand her husband, and another on how a husband can understand his wife. Read both, whichever one you are. Each list is really a mirror for the other partner. Here are the ideas from both chapters that I think any family can use this week.
Say it out loud, every day
The book says that yesterday's compliment is not enough to carry a person through today. Many of us make the mistake of thinking that once we have met our partner's needs, they should know they are loved. They do not. They need to hear it. A compliment a day keeps divorce away, as the saying goes.
And it works in both directions. To a husband, a smile, a wink or a kiss from his wife can make him feel eleven feet tall. It costs nothing. You do not have to do it daily. Once a week is a good start.
But be sincere. Compliments must be genuine. Meaningless flattery is something else, and your partner can tell.
Do not compare
This one is in the chapter for husbands, though it is true for wives as well. "So and so made such a dish, why can't you?" "Why can't you dress like her?" Comparison leaves your partner feeling small, and sometimes a bit jealous. If you want something, ask for it plainly. Respect the person for who he or she is. Often, the quality in your partner that you do not like is the very thing others admire.
See the load the other one carries
In most homes, the wife is overworked. Her day is long. She has no break on Sundays or holidays. A woman who works outside the home needs extra help at home. I understand that many men do not feel at home in the kitchen. But what a relief it is for her when the husband makes coffee and tidies the bed in the morning. Do you wake up a little early on Sunday to help finish the cooking, or to get the children ready for an outing?
The book also reminds wives that a husband has his own pressures. He is carrying a job, a family and many worries. Learn the limitations of your husband and deal with him gently. A happy husband makes for a happy wife, and the other way round.
Think the best of each other
The book describes something called the Pygmalion effect. In the old Greek story, a sculptor believed so strongly in the beauty of his statue that it came to life. In a marriage, the same thing happens. If you think your husband is a failure, he will become one over the years. If you think your wife is a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter in law, and you keep thinking that way, she will become one.
The way you see your partner shapes how your partner behaves, especially when you are around. Choose your picture carefully.
Be friends
Husband and wife must be friends. I quote Nietzsche in the book, who said it is not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. Friendship takes time. Share your day. When you return from the office or a seminar and your partner asks how it was, do not say "good" and walk into the room. Sit down and tell them the details. They want to hear you.
Touch, and ask what feels like love
One is never too old to hold hands. A squeeze of the shoulder reassures. A hug costs nothing and says a great deal. The book also reminds us that touching need not always lead to something more. Sometimes a person just wants to be held, or to have their hair stroked.
And here is a lovely idea. Ask your partner what makes them feel loved. You may be surprised. One person may see a freshly cooked meal as an expression of love. Another may need the words "I love you". Love does not make you a mind reader. Love is trusting each other to ask openly and answer honestly.
A small plan
- Today, give one sincere compliment to your spouse.
- Tomorrow, do one task that is usually the other person's.
- This weekend, ask: "What makes you feel loved?" Then do it.
This is one chapter from my book Man Woman Magic.
