Near the end of my book, I wrote ten rules for lovers. I call them the Ten Commandments. If I had to pick the most useful one for any family, it would be this. Be the first person to go halfway.
It is a simple idea. Think about what you can give to the marriage, and not only about what you are getting out of it. When you are the first to give up a little to make the other happy, the other person usually does the same, and quickly.
Winning is only the start
In Kerala, there is a festival called Thiruvathira. The women bathe in the pond at four in the morning, follow a strict diet and stay awake the whole night. They do all this so that their husbands will live long and love them forever. Someone once asked why even an unmarried girl of seventeen was doing the rituals. A grandmother answered. She has to do the penance to get the best partner. The prescription for getting one and keeping one is the same.
That is the first rule in my list. You need the same skill for winning a person and for keeping a person. Do not rest on your laurels. Treat every day as a chance to please each other, never to irritate or annoy.
Fairy tales are only tales
The second rule is for those who think their marriage is not like the films. Fairy tales are what the name says. They are tales, not facts. Most marriages are not perfect. Do not worry if your life does not look like romantic fiction.
The third rule says to compare your marriage with the realities around you. Look at the couples you know. You will probably find that your marriage deserves an A in happiness. What is missing can be added, if both of you try, make mistakes, and adjust until you reach a balance.
Fill the gaps with something good
When you find something lacking in your love life, fill the gap with a hobby, a creative pursuit, a career goal or some social service. Human life is not based on romance alone. When you do well in other fields, the happiness comes back into the home too.
Be pleasant to everybody
Be kind not only to your spouse, but also to family, friends, neighbours and colleagues. Everyone has their own quota of tension. No one enjoys a partner who adds to it by quarrelling with the whole world.
Make your own rules
Here is one that people find surprising. Feel free to make your own rules. Any balance you strike in your married life is justified, so long as both of you agree. It does not matter if it goes against the general trend. In any family, who cooks, who earns, who handles money, who looks after the elders can be decided by the two of you together. What matters is that it is mutual.
The last rule is about knowing what you want. Many people, especially women, give up a career to make a marriage secure, or the other way round. Get your priorities straight before you decide, so that you do not regret it later. And when you accept new ways of living, think about the good and bad of the new, and keep the good of the old.
The hard times make the good times rich
This chapter begins with a thought I want to leave you with. You get married for better and for worse. But we hope it will be all for the better. It does not occur to some people that the worse is just as necessary for love to grow. Hard times are not an obstacle to love. They are a necessary part of the experience by which real love becomes real. It is living through those times together that gives the good times their depth.
I end the book with the image of a weaver's carpet. No marriage is perfect. Like the carpet, it has threads of red, gold and black. Every thread adds to the beauty. The black ones give depth and finish to the design.
Try this
- Pick one disagreement that has been going on for a while. Decide that you will be the first to move halfway.
- Tell your partner one thing you are willing to change, and ask what he or she could use help with.
- Look at the chores, the money decisions, the way you spend Sundays. Ask whether you both still agree with the way things are. If not, make a new rule together.
Marriage has two great gifts to offer. Someone to love, and someone who loves you. Make the best of both.
This is the last chapter of my book Man Woman Magic, and I hope it stays with you long after you close the book.
