Marriages rarely break with a bang. Most of the time, they drift. Small things pile up quietly, and by the time anyone notices, the distance is already big.
In the chapters on quarrels and remedies, I list some early signs that a relationship is slipping. I also list what to do about each one. None of this is meant to scare you. It is meant to help you act early, when things are still easy to mend.
Five small signs
Small tiffs that refuse to die. Every couple has spats. Children quarrel, siblings quarrel, colleagues quarrel. When the bond is strong, the tiffs fade by themselves. In the book, Kishan and Natasha used to joke about who would get up first to make the morning tea. Later, Kishan started refusing, and then started finding fault with the tea. That is a dark cloud. It may only bring rain and clear the sky. Or it may be a gathering storm.
Rules that appear after the fact. Prakash and Kiran travelled to work together every morning, but returned separately because their offices closed at different times. One evening Prakash reached home just five minutes after Kiran. She asked why he did not check whether she wanted a lift. He said they had always come separately. She said it showed lack of empathy. The book points out that if there was no anger between them, she would never have seen that as an omission.
Forgotten dates. Jay was used to Sapna covering his eyes on his birthday, a wrapped book on the table and payasam for breakfast. One year she seemed to forget everything. When a person stops remembering the birthdays and anniversaries they once cared about, something may be wrong underneath.
Scorn in conversation. When a bond is strong, you will not be called quirky. When it weakens, answers like "Are you mad?" or "Don't talk nonsense" become common.
Nothing to talk about. Hameed once praised every meal his wife cooked to all his colleagues. A year later, he could not even remember what he had for dinner. The cooking had improved. His interest had faded.
What to do first
The first remedy in the book is to be honest with yourself. Do not turn a blind eye and hope the problem will go away. Time is a great healer, but in a weakening relationship it can work against you.
If you are quarrelling more than usual, accept it. Then look at how the quarrels differ from the early days.
The second thing is to remove the immediate cause of every small quarrel straight away. If the tea is cold, make another cup. If the bedroom is untidy, tidy it before anyone complains. The deeper reason may take time, but the small trigger can be removed at once. Whoever notices first can do it. It is not a husband's job or a wife's job. It is a couple's job.
Arguments and hearts
I have one line I want you to remember from this chapter. Arguments may win the situation but they will not win one's heart. When a quarrel begins, decide what you want. Do you want to win the point, or do you want to win the person?
Break the silence
The next remedy is to be open about problems. Silence might save many situations, but not a marriage. Without talk, you cannot solve the problem. Worse, you may not even know whether there is one.
If your partner has gone quiet, the book suggests you bring them back to talk with bait. It might be a favourite topic, a cup of tea, or a walk. One reason people hesitate to speak is the other person's temper. Another is a feeling that the other person is no longer interested. Show that you are, and the freezing conversation may begin to thaw.
Sometimes there is no problem
I want to end on a calming note. The last point in the chapter reminds us that sometimes there is no problem at all, even though the relationship feels different. Early passions cool. A routine sets in. That does not mean you do not need each other. If your spouse is busy with work, it does not mean he or she does not love you. Try to occupy yourself with equal work, and you may find you understand and admire each other better.
Look for the signs. Fix the small things quickly. Talk. And do not panic when ordinary life replaces the honeymoon.
This is one chapter from my book Man Woman Magic.
