One day Abhay came home from the office. His wife was excited. She wanted to tell him about a funny case of mistaken identity at her workplace. "You will not believe it, Abhay. A visitor came who looked exactly like our colleague who left just a fortnight ago..."
Abhay cut her short. "Will you please get me a glass of water? I am a little thirsty."
By the time she came back with the water, he had switched on the TV and opened the newspaper. The story was never finished.
Perhaps he was tired. Perhaps the story did not interest him. But what would he have lost by listening politely and nodding in the right places? Every human being feels small when treated with that kind of indifference. And when it happens many times, the hurt becomes a deeper gash each time.
The phone call that went on and on
In another example in the book, a young man named Suresh is on the phone with Smitha. Nothing special is being said. He is making tea. She says she is no good at making tea. He says he will take that responsibility morning and evening. She says how wonderful it would be to come home to a hot cup. They talk and talk. Neither wants to put the phone down.
That was ten years ago, before they were married. Today, sometimes she makes the tea, sometimes he does. They sip it and go about their chores. Even on a Sunday afternoon they are short of topics. Both are busy thinking about their offices and the household.
I have seen this in many homes. The young boy and girl who talk endlessly before marriage hardly speak after it. Very often the husband goes silent and the wife wants him to talk. A wall comes up between them. When you enjoy someone's company, you can talk about nothing for hours. When the talk dries up, it is worth asking why.
Fixing is not the same as listening
There is another kind of not listening. It looks like help. A person shares how the day went, and the partner interrupts with a stream of solutions.
The book says many women have this complaint. They say, "He never tries to understand me, he just wants to fix the problem quickly." So when a woman is stressed and wants to talk, the husband should listen and not just offer solutions.
But I want to be fair to both sides. The same book lists complaints that men have. "She wants to chat as soon as I come home." "She keeps telling me what to do." One line in the book says, do not offer a man advice unless he asks for it. Tell him you have confidence in his ability to work things out. So the lesson is the same for husband and wife. Do not rush to solve. First, hear.
What listening gives
When you know you will be listened to, you feel protected. You can share a thought, even a strange one, and not be called quirky. When a marriage is weakening, you start hearing lines like "Are you mad?" or "Don't talk nonsense!" or a scornful snort. If you hear those in your own house, take it as a warning bell.
Listening also works the other way around. The book says if one partner is shy, look for hints in their words and actions. Shilpa always chose the holiday spot, and always chose the hills. Her husband Dinesh would gently suggest Rajasthan or Khajuraho. She never noticed. For years he climbed those hills because he did not want to disappoint her. It took their teenage son to discover the truth on a trek. Dinesh had been giving signals. Nobody was listening.
Try this tonight
- When your partner starts a story, put down the phone, the paper or the remote. Look at them for the next few minutes.
- Make a small response. A nod, a smile, a question. Even if the story is about something trivial.
- Before you give advice, ask: "Do you want me to just listen, or do you want ideas?"
- When your partner returns from work or a programme, do not answer "It was good" and walk away. Tell the details. Your spouse wants to share your day.
It takes five minutes. But those five minutes tell your partner that you care about what is in their heart.
The book says, "It is always better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot." Listening is how you begin.
This is one chapter from my book Man Woman Magic.
