When I was a young Pilot Officer at the Air Force Academy, most of us cadets were around 24 or 25 years old. We were all confused about the same thing. Is this love, or is it something else?
I was a bachelor with a motorcycle, and I was rather proud of courting many girls. I did not know the difference between love, lust and infatuation. Then I read a story that changed how I looked at the whole subject. I will share it with you, and then I will give you some simple tests.
A rose, a book and a test
Lieutenant John Blanchard was in the Army during the Second World War. In a library he picked up a book and became curious, not about the printed words, but about the notes in the margin. The handwriting was soft and thoughtful. The name inside the cover was Hollis Maynell. He wrote to her. For more than a year, while he served overseas, they wrote letters to each other. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart.
When he asked for a photograph, she refused. She felt that if he truly cared, it would not matter what she looked like. They agreed to meet at Grand Central Station in New York. She would wear a red rose on her coat.
A beautiful young woman in a pale green suit walked towards him. She gave a small smile and said, "Going my way, sailor?" He felt split in two. Then he saw the real Hollis Maynell standing just behind her. She was well past forty, plump, with graying hair under a worn hat.
He did not hesitate. He saluted, held out the book, and said he was glad to meet her and would she join him for dinner. The woman smiled. The young lady in green, she said, had asked her to wear the rose. She had said it was some kind of test, and that she would be waiting in the restaurant across the street.
The true nature of a heart is seen in how it responds to the unattractive. You may fall in love with a person's beauty. But finally, you have to live with the character, not with the beauty. That story changed my own idea of love when I was young.
Three simple questions
In the chapter on choosing a partner, I suggest a few tests you can do privately. They are not scientific. They are just honest questions.
- The forty year test. Ask yourself whether you would feel the same attachment to this person after forty years, when he or she is old and no longer has the same physical charm. If the answer is yes, you are likely in love.
- The ambition test. Ask whether you would be ready to end the relationship to satisfy a career ambition. If the answer is yes, it is more likely lust than love.
- The jealousy test. Do you feel jealous easily? Do you want the other person to avoid every possible rival? Do you feel jittery and insecure when your feelings are not returned? That is usually infatuation, even though it has all the trappings of love.
When you are not sure
The book gives two practical suggestions.
First, go slowly. When a relationship is given time, it either blossoms or wilts on its own. You do not have to force the answer.
Second, keep some distance and watch yourself. If you can easily find other people and other things to fill the gap, it is more likely infatuation. If you miss the person badly, the feeling leans towards love.
Do not say yes to a feeling alone
Parents and elders in our society often do the searching. That is fine. But whoever does the searching, the two people who will live together must meet, talk and test each other. A film song around a rose bush is not enough. Love is more serious business than being attracted to a face, or looking into each other's eyes over a restaurant table.
And if you are already married, the same questions can be useful in another way. Ask yourself what first attracted you to your partner. Then ask what you value about the person today. If the second list is longer and deeper, you are in a better place than you think.
This story, and many others like it, is part of my book Man Woman Magic.
