Many families spend months checking horoscopes, comparing qualifications and fixing the wedding hall. Very few couples spend even one evening talking about the things that actually cause trouble later.
The couples in my book who ran into trouble had one thing in common. They never had the talk. Here are three talks I believe every couple should have. If you are already married and never had them, it is not too late.
Talk one: money and responsibilities
Some people love to spend. Some people prefer to save for a rainy day. Neither is wrong, but you must know where the other person stands. In many Indian families there is something more. A younger sister's wedding to be paid for. A brother's education. An aged parent to look after.
In the book I tell the story of Chaya and Dushyanth. Chaya knew her husband had two unmarried sisters, but she had no idea how heavy his responsibility really was. When she found out, she took it well. She even offered to earn and help. But his family did not want anyone to know they were short of money. She was told her place was in the kitchen. She could not live with hiding the problem instead of solving it, and the marriage ended in separation.
Now compare it with my friend Ayush. He also had two sisters waiting to be married. Before the wedding he spoke openly to his wife Jyotsna and to his in-laws. Everyone understood. Jyotsna was a teacher with a small salary, but she gave her support in money and in spirit. They worked hard for five years, finished their responsibilities, and only then started their own family. Same problem. Different talk. Different result.
Talk two: children and careers
Most couples ask each other one question. "Do you want children?" They both say yes and feel the matter is settled. But that is only the first step.
Asgar and Neha were thrilled when twin boys arrived. Then the real questions came. Neither wanted to take a break from work. Neha's mother could look after the babies only in her own town, six hours away. Asgar wanted a nanny and his own mother to supervise. Neha did not want that. The children moved from one creche and one grandparent to another. Both families got involved. Their work suffered, and sadly the babies' health suffered too. They had agreed on having children. They had never agreed on how.
The book also tells of Harish and Sumita. Six years into marriage, Harish raised the subject of children. Sumita was surprised. She had said clearly that her career mattered most. To her, that meant she could not take time off to raise a child. To him, it had never meant that. Nobody had said it aloud.
So talk about timing and spacing. Talk about who will take leave, who will help, and what each of you is willing to give up. And never expect your partner to guess a condition you have not spoken.
Talk three: the truth about yourself
This is the hardest one. Tell your partner about your family background, your health, your debts and your past, early in the relationship. Do not hide things to avoid losing someone.
Arun and Vanaja worked in the same office and got along well. But Arun had told Vanaja that his father had died when he was young. The truth was that his mother had walked out of a bad marriage, and in his community that carried a stigma. Vanaja found out years later from a third person. She was shocked, and she found it hard to believe anything he said after that. She might even have admired his mother had she known. The marriage survived, but only with the help of friends and counselling, and the lie kept coming back during every quarrel.
My advice is simple. If there is an occasion when you should not lie, it is during courtship. Either tell the whole truth, or do not make up a story. A lie that is found out later costs far more than the discomfort of an honest conversation today.
How to begin
- Choose a calm evening. Not during a quarrel and not in front of family.
- Take one topic at a time. Money first, then children, then anything you have been afraid to say.
- Listen to the whole answer before you reply.
- If your views are very different, do not panic. Ask how both of you can move closer, or whether the gap is too wide. It is better to know now than later.
No amount of discussion can fully prepare you for marriage. But every honest talk takes away one surprise from the future.
This is one chapter from my book Man Woman Magic, where I share many more such stories.
