Every love story we grew up on ends at the same place. The boy and the girl fight the odds. Parents object, caste and religion get in the way, social status becomes a wall. Finally they get married. The curtain falls and we are told they lived happily ever after.
I believed it too. Our films, our fairy tales and even our serials teach us that once two people unite, nothing else matters. But that is exactly where the real story begins.
What I saw from the cockpit
I served in the Indian Air Force as a Flight Engineer on the AN-32 transport aircraft. Whenever we were about to land, I would look down at the city from the cockpit. It looked beautiful. Almost like a painting.
Then the plane came lower and the picture became clearer. I could see the potholes. I could see the garbage dumps. And when we finally landed, I was pushed out into 40 degrees of heat, after the air-conditioned comfort inside.
Living together is not too different. Courtship is the view from above. Marriage is the view after landing. It is the same city, but now you see it properly.
Why courtship fools us
During courtship, everything is exaggerated. The expectations are high. The excitement of discovering a new person is high. The promise of a lasting relationship is high. So hardly anyone stops to think about the serious part, which is living together every single day.
I describe it like this in the book. Before marriage, you see matrimony as the clear water of a lovely lake, where you can row your boat forever. After marriage, you find that the boat needs round the clock maintenance, or water will seep in and sink it. You cannot be only the holiday rower you were when you fell in love. You have to become a good navigator.
Heaven starts the work, you finish it
We say marriages are made in heaven. That may be true. But they have to be made to work here on earth, and that part is in the hands of the two people involved.
I like to compare marriage to fizzy champagne. It is great fun as long as the fizz and the bubbles are there. The secret of keeping the fizz is keeping the fun alive. When a couple no longer feels any excitement, it is time to sit up, take stock and add some fizz again. That takes effort and willingness. It does not happen by itself.
There is a line at the start of the first chapter that I keep coming back to. The best relationship is the one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. Need is what brings two people together on the wedding day. Love is what keeps choosing each other on the ordinary Tuesday.
Three things to try this week
- Sit down together and each say what you thought married life would be like. Then say what is actually different. Do this without blaming. You are only comparing the view from above with the view after landing.
- Think of one small thing you did for each other during courtship that has quietly stopped. A phone call at lunch time, a walk after dinner, a handwritten note. Pick one and bring it back.
- Plan one outing that has nothing to do with work, children or the family. Even a few hours is enough. Keep the fun alive on purpose.
The story starts after the wedding
Getting married to the person you desire is not the end of the game. It is the beginning. Once you accept that, a lot of disappointment goes away. You stop asking why the magic of the first year has changed. You start asking what you can build together now.
Potholes are part of every city. They are no reason to leave it. They are a reason to get to work, hand in hand.
This is the first chapter of my book Man Woman Magic, and the rest of the book follows from this one idea.
