Two men owned sweet shops in the same town. Their names were Kishan and Aman. Both of them received criticism about their sweets, as every shopkeeper does. But what they did with that criticism was very different.
When a customer complained to Kishan, he said at once: "What did you find wrong with my product? Was it too sweet? Had it lost freshness? I am happy when defects are pointed out, so that I can improve."
When the same complaint reached Aman, he said: "You get such bad quality flour these days that you cannot prepare sweets any better. And my products are cheaper than anything else in the market."
Which shop would you buy from after one year? Kishan believed in himself, so he could afford to hear the truth. Aman had a low opinion of himself, so every comment felt like an attack. That is the whole difference between them.
The Buddha and the bowl of food
There is another story I love. A disciple came to the Buddha with a complaint. A certain person was criticising him again and again for no reason, and it was hurting him.
The Buddha picked up a bowl of food that was lying nearby and asked, "Why don't you have this?"
"No, sir," said the disciple. "I have already eaten. I don't want it now."
"Fine," said the Buddha. "If you don't want it, don't accept it. Now tell me, I am offering you something you do not need. So to whom does this food belong?"
"To you only."
"Agreed. It is the same with needless criticism. The ownership of something the receiver does not want remains with the giver. So all the scorn he showers on you is his own in the end, since you do not need it."
The disciple understood and never worried about criticism again.
But some criticism is food you do need
Now here is the part many motivational talks skip. Not all criticism is needless. If nobody ever tells you where you are going wrong, you will live in a make-believe world, convinced that everything you do is correct. That will stop your progress much more than any harsh word.
So the skill is to tell the two kinds apart. Constructive criticism points to something you can fix. Irresponsible criticism is just noise, or someone's bad mood. Sometimes it is not easy to tell which is which. That is where a close friend helps. A real friend will be frank with you and will never gloss over your mistakes.
If you find you are always on the defensive, the book gives two possible reasons. One is an inferiority complex. The other is a guilty conscience. If it is the second, then there is probably something you did wrong. It is better to own up and bring it into the open than to guard it with lame excuses.
Use this the next time someone criticises you
Do not reply for a moment. Ask yourself three quick questions.
- Is there a fact in this that I can fix? If yes, say thank you and fix it, like Kishan.
- Is it only scorn, with nothing I can use? If yes, do not accept the bowl. Let it stay with the giver.
- I am not sure. Then ask one trusted friend, today, and request a frank answer.
Also, choose that friend now, before the next criticism comes. Write the name down. It is far easier to hear a hard truth from someone you have already decided to trust.
There is a difference worth remembering. A person with healthy self-esteem is sensitive. A person with too much ego is touchy. The sensitive person listens, and the touchy person gets enraged by every form of criticism. Choose which one you want to be.
You do not need to be perfect either. In the book I say it plainly: do things to the best of your ability, but do not become a perfectionist who feels something is always lacking in him. Aim to improve, and keep your self-respect while you do it.
The next time someone hands you a bowl, look inside before you decide.
This is one chapter from my book Simply the Best.
